One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
