I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
