Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
