Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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