I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
