This is not my ceiling
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
