Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just pynch a tree in the face
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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