Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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