How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
