yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
