ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
