you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
