I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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