I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
