my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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