Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
