Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
