I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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