yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
