They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I love having hate sex.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Less talking, more tequila
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
