I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
