I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
