I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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