i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
