***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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