thus making me awesome and them whores
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
