i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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