He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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