Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
