I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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