I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
