no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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