I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's shark week go big or go home
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
