I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
