You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
where are my eyebrows?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
