he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
