My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
