I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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