just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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