I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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