i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
