3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
