the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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