how do flat chested girls get laid?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
