Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
