The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
