considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
