i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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