I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
