I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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